Wednesday, July 28, 2010


A couple of weekends ago, we went to New Mexico for the wedding of my nephew and new niece! During the long drive home my sister-in-law, my niece and I got on the subject of Swingers in our local areas! Well, where I come from the swingers call what they do playing cards. So, on this long drive home we came up with the Top Ten List of Card saying they use to get the party started!

10. Does anyone want to play Spoons?

I have a headache tonight.

I just want to cuddle!

9. Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me, again! Again…Again…Again…

I don’t need to say anything more about that saying!

8. Ok! The little Blue pill is working now!

I’ll, stand!

7. Wait for it, Wait for it  ….Push! YES! YES!

6. I am feeling lucky tonight!

I want to play seven card stud!

Sorry, ladies!

5. Ok, I am in… no wait I am out… no think I am in… no am out!

4. Oh, Crap! I knew it! I got stuck with the “Old Maid”!

Grab your walker, lets go!

3. Does anyone have a pair of sagging boobs?

Go, Fish!

Whew, that was a close one!

2. Does anyone have a pair of old nuts?

I have a pair of old nuts!

(Great I am stuck with the old nuts again) Why can I just play solitaire!

1. I think the new guy needs to go, ladies!

Last night he wanted to play “Bumhunter

I told him, I fold!

Let me just say we had such a fun time doing this that we almost peed our pants! I hope you had a good laugh!

P.S. Don’t ask Billy and I to play cards with you! We only play War!

Friday, July 9, 2010

The "66"... it only gets better!

I get a call from Billy who is at work in Arkansas  he has bought another truck.  He needs me to go and pay a guy. This time he is a local guy named John Deere*! Whew! I am glad we learned our lesson from buying trucks online! You just can't trust people in this day and age!

Billy said that he would meet me at the cemetery! Now I don't know about you but this is starting to sound funny!

What! You are sending me to meet a guy at the cemetery! Hello, what about the store down the street!

Ryan tells me to take my 9mm but I have yet to buy any bullets for it, so I have to go it alone.

On, my way to the cemetery, Billy calls me and tells me that John Deere* is coming to town and to meet him at the gas station.

I am waiting for him when he gets there. He looks very familiar but his name doesn’t ring a bell. I get out of the truck and he introduces himself as John Weere*, the name starts rings bells in my head.

I give him the money for the truck and he gives me the title but his name isn’t on the title. He explains that the truck belongs to his step son and that he gave it to him, he just never changed it over. I know the owner of the truck, so I don’t think much about it.

I get into the truck and call Billy and tell him that the guy that he sent me to buy the truck off of doesn’t own the truck that his step son does. That his name seemed familiar and that I misunderstood Billy when he called I thought he said his last name was Deere* not Weere*. I told him I would call and talk to a teacher I work with that she the cousin of the guy whose name is on the title and tell her that John Weere* is selling her cousin’s truck.

When I get her and tell her the story she flips that Billy sent me to meet this guy. He just got out of jail for first degree rape and forcible sodomy!

About that time Billy calls in and I tell her to hold on for a moment that Billy is calling. I take Billy’s call and he is having a stoke “He said do you know that that is John Weere* AKA J. D. New Holland* and he just got out of jail for rape!”

Really, Billy you don’t say and whose idea was it for me to meet this guy in a country cemetery, your idea or his idea?

Ok! So maybe we didn't learn anything because we have went from buying truck from the Internet to buying trucks from registered sex offenders!

I am seriously questioning how Billy really feels about me!

Next stop bullets for my 9mm!

* Names have been change to protect ME!

The "66"

Well, I few months ago Billy bought a 1966 Chevy Pick-up to restore. He found it online; a guy from Arkansas is selling it.

First off, has he heard of Craig’s List!!!!!

What the?

Well, he assured me that the guy was going to meet us at a local store with the truck.

We get there early and patiently wait for him. The guy pulls up in a car all smiles, no teeth… no truck. Where is the truck?

Of course, we have to go to his house to get it.

As we drove I tell you I could hear the “Dueling Banjos.”

We finally arrive back in the sticks at an 8 x8 mobile home from which at least 6 guys come out of, each one with a beer in his hand.

Cars litter the yard, litter litters the yard, and looks like human remains could litter the yard?

I look at Billy and said, “Hey, if it starts looking bad for you… I will hit the On Star Button.” As soon as he gets out I hit the door lock button! Survival starts with you!

Before we can load the truck, the guy has to take the tag off  because it belongs to his girlfriend’s car.

They get the truck loaded and Billy gets into the truck. He lives to tell the tale.

But instead of heading home, we start following another guy in his truck deeper into the sticks.

I ask him where we are going. He says that this guy wants to show him a truck at his place!

Are you serious!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The husband formally known as David!

My husband came home from work a few weeks ago and I told him that I had started a blog about funny things that happen to me!

Of course he had to make it all about him. "You better not be saying anything about me, I don't like people to know my business," he said.

I mean really like anything funny happens to him, he is just an innocent bystander when things go down in my life.

It is not like I am telling your our deep dark secrets. Now that he has made me mad, I will get into those later!

So from here on when I talk about David he shall be known as Billy!

There cry baby, I will not be mentioning anything about you again. It will be of my new husband Billy! He is funny, witty and loves for me to talk about him! He also thinks I am a sexy, blond bombshell, not the fat girl that Mrs. Gragg is killing at the gym!

Homework with Otis!

Today when I went home for lunch, I was not welcomed by the usual barking of Otis and Benji. I could only hear that of Benji. Images of disaster flashed through my brain! It was only recently that I have allowed Otis and Benji to stay in the house. I am thinking to myself, what has happened to Otis, has Benji finally gotten the best of him. I entered the house only to be welcomed by Benji, so now I am beginning to worry about Otis.

I look quickly around the living room all seems well. So, I start walking down the hallway to our bedroom and notice from the hallway that my school bag is in the floor with the lining pulled out. Nothing is in the bedroom floor but my bag, where is the rest of my crap!

I round the corner of our bedroom and enter the office to see papers shredded everywhere. My first thought was of the $128.50 textbook that was in the bag and the fact that even though I have not used it yet in class, someday I will probably have too. As I scan the room I notice that my notebook and textbook have not been touched. However, my papers and term paper have been annihilated.

I quickly scan the room looking for that little brown and white dog that at one time was "man's best friend" and see his little butt and nub of a tail sticking out from underneath my bed. You know hiding is not one of Otis's strong points. He thinks that if he can see you, you can't see him. Just because I left a bag of cookies in my bag was no reason to eat almost everything inside it trying to find the cookies.

Otis better be glad that Ryan left his BB gun at Aunt Cindy's last night or I might of been tempted to shoot. Do you think that even at the age of 38 my professor will except the excuse "my dog ate my homework"? Poor Otis, he didn't even get to eat the cookies because he could not figure out how to unzip the compartment of the bag where I had put them!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Is it a bug or a hat!

Most of you never had the privilege to met my Grandma Holcomb! She was bigger than life and lived life to the fullest. She also had to be the star of the show. One of my favorite memories of my Grandma and Grandpa was a trip where they were bring me back home after staying with them in Denver.

Now, my little Grandma dressed to the nines. I mean purse, shoes, gloves and hats matched. Sunglasses and jewelry matched. She always wore fabulous clothing. She always had her make-up on and every hair in place. She would spend hours shopping. My little Grandpa would patiently sit out in the mall on a bench while she shopped. My Grandma would be sliding under the gates of the stores as they closed for the night with shopping bags in hand.

So, on this trip back home she was dressed up as usual. Cute little suit, jewelry, sunglasses and a hat the size of Kentucky Fried Chicken Bucket. Both my Grandparents smoked so they had the windows rolled down as we crossed the Kansas Plains. A gust of wind caught my Grandmother's hat and blew it right in front of my Grandpa.

He could of grab it and been her hero for the day, but instead he shooed it right out his window. Grandma looked on in horror as her hat tumbled across the interstate and out across a wheat field. Grandma's eyes narrow and she started yelling at him, "Clifford, why didn't you catch my hat?" Bless my little Grandpa's heart he turns to her a replies, "What hat, Ruthie. I thought it was a bug!" It was green hat after all, so I guess you could confuse a green hat the size of a chicken bucket with a bug!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Bra Shopping What Fun!

Now I know that some people pay good money for boobs. However, the Good Lord blessed me with a set that most women mortgage their houses for. I can not figure out why they do it! You have to pay $80.00 for a good bra when you have large breasts or you can pay $20.00 for a cute little bra from Wal-Mart, what are they thinking, you can buy 4 bras for the price of one. You can't run, jump or bounce for fear that you will hit yourself in the face and bloody your nose or black your eyes.

Well, recently I have been having bra problems. I am hanging out everywhere, top, bottom and sides. I am thinking that they are making bra's smaller,like they are my clothes. I use to where an large or extra large top but now my tops look more like a extra small or small. There is a conspiracy against me!

Now that I can no longer fit in the bras from Victoria's Secret, I go in search for a new place to buy my bras. So, the day after Thanksgiving while Black Friday shopping with my sister, sister-in-law and niece I venture into Dillard's to see what they have.

A kind sales lady comes to my rescue. Here is our conversation:

Sales Lady: Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I need to get a new bra.

Sales Lady: What size to you normally wear?

Me: I have been wearing a 36DD, but recently I am busting out everywhere.

Sales Lady: Let me get you a 36DDD and I will meet you in the dressing room.

Me: Ok. In the dressing room I try on the 36DDD, but she doesn't like it because I am still busting out everywhere.

Sales Lady: Let me go get some other sizes. I try one after another, after another and nothing is making her to happy. Finally we find one that fits. Yes!

Sales Lady: OK. That one is the 36H

Me: What! Seriously, how do you go from a DD to an H, I mean how many letters are in between DD and H when you are tripling everyone? I am now singing the alphabet song and trying to multiply the letters by three, my mind can't even compute this information. I know my eyes were bugging out of my head. I find myself wanting to ask her "is that H as in HAMMOCK! Can I use this thing in the summer, throw one strap around branch and then throw the other one on a branch in the next tree. I guess I can lay in one cup, David in the other and we could put Ryan in the middle where the two underwires meet."
Sales Lady: Well, do you like it?

Me: Yes, I will take it. I mean what's not to like I can use it for a bra, hammock, parachute, floatation device and all for just $85.00 what a deal!