My husband came home from work a few weeks ago and I told him that I had started a blog about funny things that happen to me!
Of course he had to make it all about him. "You better not be saying anything about me, I don't like people to know my business," he said.
I mean really like anything funny happens to him, he is just an innocent bystander when things go down in my life.
It is not like I am telling your our deep dark secrets. Now that he has made me mad, I will get into those later!
So from here on when I talk about David he shall be known as Billy!
There cry baby, I will not be mentioning anything about you again. It will be of my new husband Billy! He is funny, witty and loves for me to talk about him! He also thinks I am a sexy, blond bombshell, not the fat girl that Mrs. Gragg is killing at the gym!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Homework with Otis!
Today when I went home for lunch, I was not welcomed by the usual barking of Otis and Benji. I could only hear that of Benji. Images of disaster flashed through my brain! It was only recently that I have allowed Otis and Benji to stay in the house. I am thinking to myself, what has happened to Otis, has Benji finally gotten the best of him. I entered the house only to be welcomed by Benji, so now I am beginning to worry about Otis.
I look quickly around the living room all seems well. So, I start walking down the hallway to our bedroom and notice from the hallway that my school bag is in the floor with the lining pulled out. Nothing is in the bedroom floor but my bag, where is the rest of my crap!
I round the corner of our bedroom and enter the office to see papers shredded everywhere. My first thought was of the $128.50 textbook that was in the bag and the fact that even though I have not used it yet in class, someday I will probably have too. As I scan the room I notice that my notebook and textbook have not been touched. However, my papers and term paper have been annihilated.
I quickly scan the room looking for that little brown and white dog that at one time was "man's best friend" and see his little butt and nub of a tail sticking out from underneath my bed. You know hiding is not one of Otis's strong points. He thinks that if he can see you, you can't see him. Just because I left a bag of cookies in my bag was no reason to eat almost everything inside it trying to find the cookies.
Otis better be glad that Ryan left his BB gun at Aunt Cindy's last night or I might of been tempted to shoot. Do you think that even at the age of 38 my professor will except the excuse "my dog ate my homework"? Poor Otis, he didn't even get to eat the cookies because he could not figure out how to unzip the compartment of the bag where I had put them!
I look quickly around the living room all seems well. So, I start walking down the hallway to our bedroom and notice from the hallway that my school bag is in the floor with the lining pulled out. Nothing is in the bedroom floor but my bag, where is the rest of my crap!
I round the corner of our bedroom and enter the office to see papers shredded everywhere. My first thought was of the $128.50 textbook that was in the bag and the fact that even though I have not used it yet in class, someday I will probably have too. As I scan the room I notice that my notebook and textbook have not been touched. However, my papers and term paper have been annihilated.
I quickly scan the room looking for that little brown and white dog that at one time was "man's best friend" and see his little butt and nub of a tail sticking out from underneath my bed. You know hiding is not one of Otis's strong points. He thinks that if he can see you, you can't see him. Just because I left a bag of cookies in my bag was no reason to eat almost everything inside it trying to find the cookies.
Otis better be glad that Ryan left his BB gun at Aunt Cindy's last night or I might of been tempted to shoot. Do you think that even at the age of 38 my professor will except the excuse "my dog ate my homework"? Poor Otis, he didn't even get to eat the cookies because he could not figure out how to unzip the compartment of the bag where I had put them!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Is it a bug or a hat!
Most of you never had the privilege to met my Grandma Holcomb! She was bigger than life and lived life to the fullest. She also had to be the star of the show. One of my favorite memories of my Grandma and Grandpa was a trip where they were bring me back home after staying with them in Denver.
Now, my little Grandma dressed to the nines. I mean purse, shoes, gloves and hats matched. Sunglasses and jewelry matched. She always wore fabulous clothing. She always had her make-up on and every hair in place. She would spend hours shopping. My little Grandpa would patiently sit out in the mall on a bench while she shopped. My Grandma would be sliding under the gates of the stores as they closed for the night with shopping bags in hand.
So, on this trip back home she was dressed up as usual. Cute little suit, jewelry, sunglasses and a hat the size of Kentucky Fried Chicken Bucket. Both my Grandparents smoked so they had the windows rolled down as we crossed the Kansas Plains. A gust of wind caught my Grandmother's hat and blew it right in front of my Grandpa.
He could of grab it and been her hero for the day, but instead he shooed it right out his window. Grandma looked on in horror as her hat tumbled across the interstate and out across a wheat field. Grandma's eyes narrow and she started yelling at him, "Clifford, why didn't you catch my hat?" Bless my little Grandpa's heart he turns to her a replies, "What hat, Ruthie. I thought it was a bug!" It was green hat after all, so I guess you could confuse a green hat the size of a chicken bucket with a bug!
Now, my little Grandma dressed to the nines. I mean purse, shoes, gloves and hats matched. Sunglasses and jewelry matched. She always wore fabulous clothing. She always had her make-up on and every hair in place. She would spend hours shopping. My little Grandpa would patiently sit out in the mall on a bench while she shopped. My Grandma would be sliding under the gates of the stores as they closed for the night with shopping bags in hand.
So, on this trip back home she was dressed up as usual. Cute little suit, jewelry, sunglasses and a hat the size of Kentucky Fried Chicken Bucket. Both my Grandparents smoked so they had the windows rolled down as we crossed the Kansas Plains. A gust of wind caught my Grandmother's hat and blew it right in front of my Grandpa.
He could of grab it and been her hero for the day, but instead he shooed it right out his window. Grandma looked on in horror as her hat tumbled across the interstate and out across a wheat field. Grandma's eyes narrow and she started yelling at him, "Clifford, why didn't you catch my hat?" Bless my little Grandpa's heart he turns to her a replies, "What hat, Ruthie. I thought it was a bug!" It was green hat after all, so I guess you could confuse a green hat the size of a chicken bucket with a bug!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Bra Shopping What Fun!
Now I know that some people pay good money for boobs. However, the Good Lord blessed me with a set that most women mortgage their houses for. I can not figure out why they do it! You have to pay $80.00 for a good bra when you have large breasts or you can pay $20.00 for a cute little bra from Wal-Mart, what are they thinking, you can buy 4 bras for the price of one. You can't run, jump or bounce for fear that you will hit yourself in the face and bloody your nose or black your eyes.
Well, recently I have been having bra problems. I am hanging out everywhere, top, bottom and sides. I am thinking that they are making bra's smaller,like they are my clothes. I use to where an large or extra large top but now my tops look more like a extra small or small. There is a conspiracy against me!
Now that I can no longer fit in the bras from Victoria's Secret, I go in search for a new place to buy my bras. So, the day after Thanksgiving while Black Friday shopping with my sister, sister-in-law and niece I venture into Dillard's to see what they have.
A kind sales lady comes to my rescue. Here is our conversation:
Sales Lady: Can I help you?
Me: Yes, I need to get a new bra.
Sales Lady: What size to you normally wear?
Me: I have been wearing a 36DD, but recently I am busting out everywhere.
Sales Lady: Let me get you a 36DDD and I will meet you in the dressing room.
Me: Ok. In the dressing room I try on the 36DDD, but she doesn't like it because I am still busting out everywhere.
Sales Lady: Let me go get some other sizes. I try one after another, after another and nothing is making her to happy. Finally we find one that fits. Yes!
Sales Lady: OK. That one is the 36H
Me: What! Seriously, how do you go from a DD to an H, I mean how many letters are in between DD and H when you are tripling everyone? I am now singing the alphabet song and trying to multiply the letters by three, my mind can't even compute this information. I know my eyes were bugging out of my head. I find myself wanting to ask her "is that H as in HAMMOCK! Can I use this thing in the summer, throw one strap around branch and then throw the other one on a branch in the next tree. I guess I can lay in one cup, David in the other and we could put Ryan in the middle where the two underwires meet."
Sales Lady: Well, do you like it?
Me: Yes, I will take it. I mean what's not to like I can use it for a bra, hammock, parachute, floatation device and all for just $85.00 what a deal!
Well, recently I have been having bra problems. I am hanging out everywhere, top, bottom and sides. I am thinking that they are making bra's smaller,like they are my clothes. I use to where an large or extra large top but now my tops look more like a extra small or small. There is a conspiracy against me!
Now that I can no longer fit in the bras from Victoria's Secret, I go in search for a new place to buy my bras. So, the day after Thanksgiving while Black Friday shopping with my sister, sister-in-law and niece I venture into Dillard's to see what they have.
A kind sales lady comes to my rescue. Here is our conversation:
Sales Lady: Can I help you?
Me: Yes, I need to get a new bra.
Sales Lady: What size to you normally wear?
Me: I have been wearing a 36DD, but recently I am busting out everywhere.
Sales Lady: Let me get you a 36DDD and I will meet you in the dressing room.
Me: Ok. In the dressing room I try on the 36DDD, but she doesn't like it because I am still busting out everywhere.
Sales Lady: Let me go get some other sizes. I try one after another, after another and nothing is making her to happy. Finally we find one that fits. Yes!
Sales Lady: OK. That one is the 36H
Me: What! Seriously, how do you go from a DD to an H, I mean how many letters are in between DD and H when you are tripling everyone? I am now singing the alphabet song and trying to multiply the letters by three, my mind can't even compute this information. I know my eyes were bugging out of my head. I find myself wanting to ask her "is that H as in HAMMOCK! Can I use this thing in the summer, throw one strap around branch and then throw the other one on a branch in the next tree. I guess I can lay in one cup, David in the other and we could put Ryan in the middle where the two underwires meet."
Sales Lady: Well, do you like it?
Me: Yes, I will take it. I mean what's not to like I can use it for a bra, hammock, parachute, floatation device and all for just $85.00 what a deal!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Breakfast with Otis!
Every Saturday in our family we have Sausage,Chocolate Gravy and Biscuits for breakfast. Several months ago Otis lucked out and caught a break and finally got the opportunity to have Chocolate Gravy and Biscuits.
Ryan had decided to eat in the living room and left his plate on the end table when he was finished and left the room. This proved to be to much of a temptation for Otis to pass up.
Unfortunately for Otis, David walks in the front door and to David's surprise he sees Otis sitting in his recliner eating what is left of Ryan's breakfast.
Even in the bathroom with the water running in the bathtub, I can hear David yell at Otis. "Otis, what do you think you are doing?" Now I know that Otis must have done something pretty bad because Otis is David's best friend.
I hear Otis jump to the floor and then I can hear paws clawing and scratching as he tries to get his footing on the wood flooring. All he needs to do is put some distance between him and the scene of the crime.
I hear him as he skids down the hallway and right into the wall as he tries to make the corner. Right behind him I can hear David yelling at Otis and the thump of David's boot moving down the hallway right behind Otis. I immediately know that he is looking for me, so I can save him from David. I now hear him run into the bedroom, jump on the bed and off. Into the bathroom he comes sliding on the ceramic tile and hits the bathroom cabinet with a thud, shakes his head and looks around for me.
I know he thinks to himself "she just has to be in the bathtub" and knows that now he is trapped because David has made it into the bedroom. He has to make a split second decision about what his next options could be. Option One: Go back into the bedroom and try and out run David. Option Two: Yikes! Jump into the tub with Misty.
The choice is... Option Two: jump into the bathtub, run across Misty and lay down on the other side of the tub and hide. This is the dog I have to chase around the house when it is time for a bath. But now he is safe because he has his paws over his eyes and David will never see him.
From the bedroom David says, "Where is Otis?"
I reply, "In the tub with me."
Needless to say, Otis didn't get into trouble that day! He learned to eat faster and I learned to shut the door!
Ryan had decided to eat in the living room and left his plate on the end table when he was finished and left the room. This proved to be to much of a temptation for Otis to pass up.
Unfortunately for Otis, David walks in the front door and to David's surprise he sees Otis sitting in his recliner eating what is left of Ryan's breakfast.
Even in the bathroom with the water running in the bathtub, I can hear David yell at Otis. "Otis, what do you think you are doing?" Now I know that Otis must have done something pretty bad because Otis is David's best friend.
I hear Otis jump to the floor and then I can hear paws clawing and scratching as he tries to get his footing on the wood flooring. All he needs to do is put some distance between him and the scene of the crime.
I hear him as he skids down the hallway and right into the wall as he tries to make the corner. Right behind him I can hear David yelling at Otis and the thump of David's boot moving down the hallway right behind Otis. I immediately know that he is looking for me, so I can save him from David. I now hear him run into the bedroom, jump on the bed and off. Into the bathroom he comes sliding on the ceramic tile and hits the bathroom cabinet with a thud, shakes his head and looks around for me.
I know he thinks to himself "she just has to be in the bathtub" and knows that now he is trapped because David has made it into the bedroom. He has to make a split second decision about what his next options could be. Option One: Go back into the bedroom and try and out run David. Option Two: Yikes! Jump into the tub with Misty.
The choice is... Option Two: jump into the bathtub, run across Misty and lay down on the other side of the tub and hide. This is the dog I have to chase around the house when it is time for a bath. But now he is safe because he has his paws over his eyes and David will never see him.
From the bedroom David says, "Where is Otis?"
I reply, "In the tub with me."
Needless to say, Otis didn't get into trouble that day! He learned to eat faster and I learned to shut the door!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
OMG! I am the fat girl!
After my romp in the woods this weekend I decided to take Mrs. Gragg up on her offer to hit the gym with her after school three days a week. Now first off Mrs. Gragg does not need to hit the gym. One of my thighs weighs more than she does.
As I walk into the gym I make sure that there is a fire extinguisher and a defibrillator in easy reach. The last time I exercised I thought for sure that my thighs might catch on fire from the friction of them rubbing together. Ryan almost had to call 911 for me after my trip into the woods. I needed to make sure Mrs. Gragg had the equipment she needed to help me if a major catastrophe happened while I was exercising.
So I bravely have Mrs. Gragg start me on this torture machine. As I am trying to kill myself on this machine I look around and things start to fall into place.
You know how in high school there was always the ugly friend in the group that makes the rest of the group look better. OMG! I am the fat girl! I am the fat girl Mrs. Gragg invited to the gym to make her look good. Now I need a fire extinguisher, defibrillator and Prozac to exercise!
Thanks, Mrs. Gragg you know my self-esteem was already low from the Wii Fit!
As I walk into the gym I make sure that there is a fire extinguisher and a defibrillator in easy reach. The last time I exercised I thought for sure that my thighs might catch on fire from the friction of them rubbing together. Ryan almost had to call 911 for me after my trip into the woods. I needed to make sure Mrs. Gragg had the equipment she needed to help me if a major catastrophe happened while I was exercising.
So I bravely have Mrs. Gragg start me on this torture machine. As I am trying to kill myself on this machine I look around and things start to fall into place.
You know how in high school there was always the ugly friend in the group that makes the rest of the group look better. OMG! I am the fat girl! I am the fat girl Mrs. Gragg invited to the gym to make her look good. Now I need a fire extinguisher, defibrillator and Prozac to exercise!
Thanks, Mrs. Gragg you know my self-esteem was already low from the Wii Fit!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Otis is trying to kill me!
We have a Jack Russell and Rat Terrier Mix that is about 3 years old. His name is Otis, Otis Spunkmeyer, O and O day lee us! He comes to anything and generally is a hoot to be around. However, I now know that he is trying to kill me. So I am watching him because his first attempt did not work.
This weekend we received a beautiful snowfall. I would say that we got a least 6 inches up on the mountain where I live. Well, it is really more of a hill. On Saturday, Ryan, Otis, Benji (my dad calls him a Beyond Shit Dog- he is a Bichon and Shih Tzu mix) and I decide to explore the snow covered mountain. Ryan and I put on our ski pants, jackets, boots, gloves and hats... out the door we go.
Now Otis goes through life at a high rate of speed, so we are following behind him as we start our journey. He is jumping around like a jack rabbit. We check out the pond to see if it is frozen, cross streams and walk all over our ten acres. After about 30 minutes I am out of breath and ready to head home. However there are only three of us and Benji is a now walking snowball so I have to carry him back to the house because he can no longer bend his legs.
The three of us make it back to the house and I start thawing out Benji the snowball. Benji is thawed and I go outside to see if Otis has made it back to the homestead and of course he has not. I start calling for him and calling for him and nothing. I get this feeling that he could be in trouble, I mean I had just thawed out Benji and Otis does not have much hair... it is all on the couch, carpet and my clothes... he could be frozen out there.
I put my gear back on and head out. Past the pond, over the streams and back up the mountain. Calling Otis... nothing. I am getting a little worried about Otis. I start looking a big blood spot where a coyote snatched him. I walk, walk, climb, climb and the snow is now seems about 12 inches deep. My legs are getting weak and I now am seeing spots before my eyes. A ringing starts in my ears. My stomach is touching my back...I am breathing that hard. Still calling Otis... nothing.
I am telling you now that Otis is as white as the snow on the ground with the spots in my eyes he could be standing right in front of me and I would not know it. Starting to get fearful that I might not make it home, I point myself that way and try to make it home before I have a massive heart attack. Still calling Otis... nothing not even a bark.
Finally, I make it to my house and I am sooooo glad to see it, I only have to make it up 4 stairs and I can collapse and Ryan can call 911 to help me. And as I take those last few steps, moving at a high rate of speed is Otis. That darn dog was probably behind me the whole time. Jumping up and down like a jack rabbit and camoflaging himself in the snow, laughing at me the whole time, everything is a joke to Otis. I tell you he is trying to kill me... I wonder who put the hit out on me... it was probably Tiny Tim from the Creek Nation Casino.
This weekend we received a beautiful snowfall. I would say that we got a least 6 inches up on the mountain where I live. Well, it is really more of a hill. On Saturday, Ryan, Otis, Benji (my dad calls him a Beyond Shit Dog- he is a Bichon and Shih Tzu mix) and I decide to explore the snow covered mountain. Ryan and I put on our ski pants, jackets, boots, gloves and hats... out the door we go.
Now Otis goes through life at a high rate of speed, so we are following behind him as we start our journey. He is jumping around like a jack rabbit. We check out the pond to see if it is frozen, cross streams and walk all over our ten acres. After about 30 minutes I am out of breath and ready to head home. However there are only three of us and Benji is a now walking snowball so I have to carry him back to the house because he can no longer bend his legs.
The three of us make it back to the house and I start thawing out Benji the snowball. Benji is thawed and I go outside to see if Otis has made it back to the homestead and of course he has not. I start calling for him and calling for him and nothing. I get this feeling that he could be in trouble, I mean I had just thawed out Benji and Otis does not have much hair... it is all on the couch, carpet and my clothes... he could be frozen out there.
I put my gear back on and head out. Past the pond, over the streams and back up the mountain. Calling Otis... nothing. I am getting a little worried about Otis. I start looking a big blood spot where a coyote snatched him. I walk, walk, climb, climb and the snow is now seems about 12 inches deep. My legs are getting weak and I now am seeing spots before my eyes. A ringing starts in my ears. My stomach is touching my back...I am breathing that hard. Still calling Otis... nothing.
I am telling you now that Otis is as white as the snow on the ground with the spots in my eyes he could be standing right in front of me and I would not know it. Starting to get fearful that I might not make it home, I point myself that way and try to make it home before I have a massive heart attack. Still calling Otis... nothing not even a bark.
Finally, I make it to my house and I am sooooo glad to see it, I only have to make it up 4 stairs and I can collapse and Ryan can call 911 to help me. And as I take those last few steps, moving at a high rate of speed is Otis. That darn dog was probably behind me the whole time. Jumping up and down like a jack rabbit and camoflaging himself in the snow, laughing at me the whole time, everything is a joke to Otis. I tell you he is trying to kill me... I wonder who put the hit out on me... it was probably Tiny Tim from the Creek Nation Casino.
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